Aching for True Communion

Today my heart aches for true communion! When will people learn to see with the eyes of their Spirit rather than looking at things in the flesh, the physical! I really just want to be with a community of people who know how to love and encourage eachother, building eachother up on love. I have discovered a new word in Hebrew this weekend: Tove! It is translated into english as good, but as with so many other words, the english translation looses meaning. We understand good to be something that is nice, that is pleasant and even as somethig that feels good. But tove is a good that is benificial! If something is benificial it doesnt necessarily meant that it will feel good or be pleasant. But if it is benificial then it IS GOOD! Ps 23 says "Your goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life." That goodness is tove. And so is thge goodness of God that passed before Moses when he asked God to show him His glory! When will I find, and be able to live with, a community of people who know the difference between loving eachother with a love that builds up and encourages eachother in a way that is most benificial. When will I find a community who opperates in true discernment and wisdom. Is there even such a community? Is the only place that I can find this in Christ? I dont know, but I do have hope that we, the Church, can become this identity. I must have hope for this! I must strive for this! I must do everything I can to make this dream a reality, even when it hurts. Cause I will only be a part of a community that "spurs eachother on to love and tove works!

Journal(l)ing???

How do you spell "journaling"? Is it with a"ll" or just one "l"??? Anyway, no matter. This week, yesterday to be prescise, I was listening to the "OneThing KC" podcast, and Dwayne Roberts was interviewing Becky Tiribassi. She was talking about how 20 or so years ago she made a committment to spend 1 hour a day in prayer, and her experience of following through with that committment. One thing that came out of it for me is the conviction to start journalling. And I know that this will be one of those things that you just go"of course, how could you not have thought of that before", but seriously, it is something that only just clicked for me while I was listening to Becky talking about this committment to prayer...journalling you prayer! I know, I know...it's such a basic thought, and i know that I have heard it before, but I never put two and two together. I have never really enjoyed writting before, but I think that this might make it more enjoyable for me. And I felt so convicted to start doing it that, that I know I have to do it anyway. So tomorrow im going to go buy a journal...or try to find one that I can write (has lines), but that I can also draw in (blank pages). I think that I might have some trouble finding the right one, so i might have to make it myself. But that will be half the fun.
So anyway, as of tomorrow, I am planning on spending at least an hour before the Lord in prayer, through writting, journalling and meditating (scribing) on the word.

Lost OUT of the Wilderness

I hate that every time I have blogged, pretty much since coming back to Australia, I have been complaining and whining. I really am glad to be back, but I also really need to have a space to blah! and debrief with myself, and this is it. So once again you get to hear how great and terrible Ben's life is.
I am totally stuck. I am so just about to give up! I can not do this any more. I am totally fed up with trying to change things that seem like they will never change. And I am frustrated here cause for confidentiality reasons I cant go into details, but basically im stuck. And the best way I know how to describe how I am feeling is that I am lost outside the wilderness. I am so desperate for real true community, that I am at the point where it is so much better, and definitely easier, to just go back into the wilderness and be with God. Cause at least there I know that I will have communion and fellowship and intimacy without false and wrong expectations, without prejudice and judgments and without all the crap that goes along with being a community of sinners. Life is so much easier on my own. And I am so frustrated cause every time I get into the wilderness, it's like I am driven back out and into community again. And the only time that I have experienced anything contrary to the frustrated feeling that I am feeling now is in Portland with the community of HOPpers.
Why is it so difficult for people to be in unity? It's like a big sick joke....We are created to be in community, and we really cant survive without community, but it is frustrating being with them too. And it's not like this is a once off event that has pissed me off, but it is a perpetual thing that just keeps going round and round and round and round and doesnt stop. WHEN WILL WE ALL JUST TURN OUR EYES TOWARDS JESUS AND FOCUS ON THINGS THAT ACTUALLY MATTER!!! Its petty Christianity! "Let's focus on these small things and that might somehow fix the larger things that give us some satisfaction!" "Lets talk about pressing in some more!" OH, I just want to be with a community who actually does stuff together. And all this isnt even hitting the mark yet. I know that all this stuff im talking about is just symptoms of the bigger problem, but I cant see it. God, show me what is going on! Release me to see in the Spirit, to see things from Your perspective and to KNOW what is on Your heart! Oh, God, I must know your heart. Do not hide Your face from me or turn away from me. God, I pray that you would expose me, that you would reveal what is in my heart to me and deal with it. God, Judge me! Come Jesus, Judge me swiftly. Deal with me whichever way you will, God. For Love Jesus. Judge me for Love! Jesus, while walking in the way of you judgments, I wait for you; For Your name and renown are the desire of my heart! God, let me follow your judgments. Let the light of Your judgments illuminate the way of my path.
Jesus, You are all I want!

desperation

It has been quite a while sonce I last posted...as usual! So much has happened since then. I cant even remember all that has happened, but ill write about those things that God has on my heart now. In it all, I am very excited about what God has in store for me, for Australia, and about the part that I have to play out in the future of this great country.
Ill start with this, copied from the Australian Prayer Network's website..."In 2006 we will celebrate our Christian heritage by recognising this year as the 400th Anniversary of the prophetic declaration regarding "THE GREAT SOUTHLAND OF THE HOLY SPIRIT". This declaration was made by Portuguese explorer Pedro Fernandez de Quiros on the shores of Vanuatu on Pentecost weekend 1606. It explicitly covered all the Islands (including Australia) of the South Seas.
"Let the heavens, the earth, the waters with all their creatures and all those here present witness that I, Captain Pedro Fernandez de Quiros...in the name of Jesus Christ... hoist this emblem of the Holy Cross on which His (Jesus Christ's ) person was crucified and whereon He gave His life for the ransom and remedy of all the human race... on this Day of Pentecost, 14 May 1606... I, take possession of all this part of the South as far as the pole in the name of Jesus... Which from now on shall be called the Southern land of the Holy Ghost... and this always and forever... and to the end that to all natives, in all the said lands, the holy and sacred evangel may be preached zealously and openly." - Pedro Fernandez de Quiros
Not is this the 400th anniversary of this amazing prophetic declatation of destiny over Australia, but it is also the 100th anniversary of the great Azusa St revival which started the penticostal movement. I have also heard (but not yet found, though i will find them) of a few prophecies that say that the last great revival that will sweep over the whole earth will be birthed here in Austrlia. Just in the last week there has been a prophet here from Ghana. I did not get the oppotunity to go hear him, but those from my church who did go said that what he had to say was amazing. And as i trust them and their oppinion and faith in this man, I too will bellieve in what he said. It was basically this...that the destiny and hope of a great move of God sweeping over America is bound to a move of God here in Australia first, and that the move in Australia is dependant on what happens here in Victoria, my state.
Bill Johnson has just left the country after being here 2 weeks, speaking in both Sydney and here in Melbourne, and he said that the "pregnancy" in the air of Australia was extreme, and one night Bill shared what he said was the most personal and deepest message that he had ever shared. He basically just wept for a couple of hours, and a spirit of intercession fell in a way that I have never felt before corperately. It was an amazingly powerful night, and I dont doubt that that evening things were shifted in the spirit to make room for things to be birthed here.
There is so much expectancy and anticipation of what God is about to do here.
And with all of these amazing things happening, satan somehow thinks that he can come in and try to ruin what God is doing. Today has been one of the hardest days of my life. I cant go into the details of it here (for confidentiality reasons), but there arent more than a handful of times that I can remember where i have felt this way before. And in this desperate struggle, I am once again reminded and shown how in need I am of God. There is such an urgency and desperation in being with God and knowing His heart in this hour. There is so much that pulls at us and vies for our attention and our affection, and a heart that is not firmly, set like flint, towards God alone is so easily swayed by "apples", the things of the earth that look good but only lead to death. We cannot afford to waste our time chasing after wind, chasing after things that have no eternal value and no purpose in furthering the Kingdom on earth.
Once again I have seen how I cannot trust even in my own heart apart from Jesus blood, because it is a tomb that contains death, and is sealed with an immovable stone. And behind this rock, my heart of stone, is only death. Yet when I submit to the Spirit of God, coming under the blood of Jesus, my stone heart which cannot be moved becomes like a plain, and bursting out of death comes Jesus, my victorious risen conquering Lion/Lamb, and he transforms my stone heart, and turns it into flesh. And the more I hold out this weak heart of flesh, carring it in front of me, being totally vunerable and open, naked and exposed before a God who I cannot hide anything from anyway, the more He takes ahold of my heart and the more I feel His beat within mine. The more I let go of controll and self-protecting, the more I find that he is a Jelous Lover. Moreand more I find that He is far better at protecting my heart than I ever am at protecting it myself.
I so desire to continually live in real, authentic, true, pure, holy community, Where jesus is the center of everything. Where the Spirit leads and guides every decision and choice. Where there is no seperation between people and God, or people and eachother. In Portland I had a taste of that, and i cannot do anything else. You guys ruined me for life, and ill praise Jesus for it forever!
I encourage everyone who reads this to get vunerable with people! Expose yourselves and let God take control and protection of your hearts. Do not let fear detirmine the extent of the fullness of God you recieve, but rather let the love that you have for God and eachother draw you closer to God and eachother, in Jesus name, let it be so!

more of something...in the third person...

For the last two or so months God has been whispering to "Ben" about tithe...Whenever Ben has had a job he has tithed financially, probably even more like 20%, but he does not really care about money at all. Ben does not care if he has no money, or if he gave it all away, or if he was rich...so Ben believes that God has been proposing an interesting idea to him. Tithing time! If Ben were to tithe his day to God, that would be 2 hours and 40 minutes each day that would be set aside for God. And not just any 2hr 40min either, but the first 2hr 40min, as God asks for the "first fruits" of the harvest. Ben wonders if he did that if Ben would recieve a 100fold return...how organised his days could be (by the Spirit), and how many more opportunities would Ben have to share about Jesus, and have the abiblity to do it in a cool way too, not just the innoculated way of smilling alot and every now and then throwning "God" into a conversation.
Ben thinks that if he were to tithe his time to God, Ben would definately grow more, as time with God is always useful for growth.
And on to greater topics like that of spider domination....here is a picture of the very large spider that was in bens room, and then another picture of Ben conquering the extremely large spider that was in his room that he sucessfully conqured in a very brave (...brave, Sir Robin...) kind of way...
Ok, so the battery in Anginas camera is dead, so Ben can not take pictures. Ben was even going to take a photo of himself conquering the spider with his supercool samuri swords...yes, thats right...samuri swords! But Ben cannot find where his parents put the swords when he went to America, so not only are the no batteries for the camera, but no swords either. So you are just going to have to imagine Ben conquering the very large spider with supercool samuri swords...enjoy...

a bit of everything

so i probably sholdnt be telling you this, and if you are planning on becomming my sworn mortal enemy, well please dont read any further....I hate spiders!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!!I hate them. satan definately created spiders just to creep me out!
So I was happily going to bed about 30 minutes ago, that was until I saw the spider on my ceiling...and im not kidding, it was literally going to eat me! Now for those of you who are wondering if I am on pot...no! the spider was actually about to eat me! Have you heard of African Bird Eating Spiders? Well up until now they were supposedly the largest spiders in the world...now the largest spiders are the IN BENS BEDROOM TO EAT HIM spiders!!! Ok, so seriously though, it was about 4" big. And it was that "im definately poisonous enough to kill you" brown and hairy type! OOhhhhhhh, im getting shivers just typing about it. So anyway, Here i am on the couch, with my pillow and blanket, cause im not sleeping in my room tonight. And even though I knew this would happen, I had to be a man and fight the spider! So into the kitchen I went, to aquire my trusty spider slaying weapons...a big ol' can of insect spray (the industrial strenght type one that the prehistorics used to kill the dinosaus!) and my ladybird beetle fly-swatter! And I knew that as soon as I took a swing at the spider to knock him onto the ground and then squash him, id miss or just brush him, and he'd race off somehwhere that i coundnt get to him, or even find him! And guess what happened....thats right....i missed him, he went behind my blinds, and now I dont know where he is! So i pretty much emptied the can of insect spray into my room, to the point that even if I wanted to stay in my room I wouldnt be able to, without the threat of dying myself (and not from giant killer spiders eating me). So I have been confined to the couch for the evening! Oh my trusty couch, you have seen me through many a good and bad time.
And I was going to write about serious stuff, but im tired. So the spider will have to do for now.

Desire

It's just after 2am, Thursday monrning. I am in bed, and i was going to sleep thinking about my desires. I desire to be holy. I desire to be pure. I desire to love God with all I am and have. I desire to love people in the same way I love God. And then as I thought about desire and God, I had a thought. Now I will not make a theology out of this thought yet, but in the last 30min or so as I have done a very brief word study on "desire", my feeling is that I am right. God's only desire is towards me and you! Cause think about it, He has no desires for Himself! Everything He could ever desire He already has, or IS, except (in the broadest and most general of terms) US! I desire holiness...God IS holy! I desire to be pure...God IS purity! You get the picture...
So as I did this brief word study, everywhere that "desire" is mentioned in the context of it being God's desire (and surprisingly there arent that many verses that talk about God's desires), it is talking about US! And interestingly, God's"desires" in the Old Testement seem to predominantely be "longing after, wishing for, desiring after" desires. Whereas in the New Testemant God's desires are more about "willing and delighting in" desires. There is a subtle yet profound difference between them. Something in the desires of God changed with Jesus. His desire has always, still is, and only ever has been towards us, and in and through Jesus, His desire has been accomplished. It is no longer about wishing and wanting, a desire that is longing after something, but is now about willing and delighting, already having that which you desire. I appologise if this doesnt make any sense, and so to if my theology is totally and completely off here. And if so,please let me know! I would love to hear any comments you guys have on this thought, and not just comments like about how it is a good thought. Has anyone else studied this before, and if so, what have you learned about it? What conclusions have you come to about God's desire? I will be posting more on this as I meditate on it more.