Lost OUT of the Wilderness

I hate that every time I have blogged, pretty much since coming back to Australia, I have been complaining and whining. I really am glad to be back, but I also really need to have a space to blah! and debrief with myself, and this is it. So once again you get to hear how great and terrible Ben's life is.
I am totally stuck. I am so just about to give up! I can not do this any more. I am totally fed up with trying to change things that seem like they will never change. And I am frustrated here cause for confidentiality reasons I cant go into details, but basically im stuck. And the best way I know how to describe how I am feeling is that I am lost outside the wilderness. I am so desperate for real true community, that I am at the point where it is so much better, and definitely easier, to just go back into the wilderness and be with God. Cause at least there I know that I will have communion and fellowship and intimacy without false and wrong expectations, without prejudice and judgments and without all the crap that goes along with being a community of sinners. Life is so much easier on my own. And I am so frustrated cause every time I get into the wilderness, it's like I am driven back out and into community again. And the only time that I have experienced anything contrary to the frustrated feeling that I am feeling now is in Portland with the community of HOPpers.
Why is it so difficult for people to be in unity? It's like a big sick joke....We are created to be in community, and we really cant survive without community, but it is frustrating being with them too. And it's not like this is a once off event that has pissed me off, but it is a perpetual thing that just keeps going round and round and round and round and doesnt stop. WHEN WILL WE ALL JUST TURN OUR EYES TOWARDS JESUS AND FOCUS ON THINGS THAT ACTUALLY MATTER!!! Its petty Christianity! "Let's focus on these small things and that might somehow fix the larger things that give us some satisfaction!" "Lets talk about pressing in some more!" OH, I just want to be with a community who actually does stuff together. And all this isnt even hitting the mark yet. I know that all this stuff im talking about is just symptoms of the bigger problem, but I cant see it. God, show me what is going on! Release me to see in the Spirit, to see things from Your perspective and to KNOW what is on Your heart! Oh, God, I must know your heart. Do not hide Your face from me or turn away from me. God, I pray that you would expose me, that you would reveal what is in my heart to me and deal with it. God, Judge me! Come Jesus, Judge me swiftly. Deal with me whichever way you will, God. For Love Jesus. Judge me for Love! Jesus, while walking in the way of you judgments, I wait for you; For Your name and renown are the desire of my heart! God, let me follow your judgments. Let the light of Your judgments illuminate the way of my path.
Jesus, You are all I want!